we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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