my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Randomize