dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
