Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
