I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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