So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Found the puke drawer
We have so much sex to catch up on
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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