forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
this hospital has no fireball
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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