If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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