I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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