He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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