oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
