I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
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She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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