Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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