Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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