Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
