my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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