My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
