dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
