i already hear my dad disowning me
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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