Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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