Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
