sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...