my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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