yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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