Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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