I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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