I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
