Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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