She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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