textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
