That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
