So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
