I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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