When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
