we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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