I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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