I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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