I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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