even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
