You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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