You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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