"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.