tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
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how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
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Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.