i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
