My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
