does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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