guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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