it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Drake has all the answers
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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