I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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