Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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