Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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