She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
