And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
