My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Boobs speak an international language.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
