So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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