you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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