More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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