mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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